While scrolling through Facebook today I can’t help but notice all of my friends posting sweet pictures of their little munchkins heading back to school; what an exciting time for them. I can’t believe some of the people I went to school with already have kids going into middle school themselves. Wow. Where did the time go? I noticed something else after looking at each picture and reading each loving sentiment posted by the proud parents, I was growing bitter and jealous.
Chris and I have been trying to have a child for 3 ½ years now. Due to my endometriosis we knew it would be difficult but knowing and actually living the experience is two different things. I didn’t expect it to be so mentally draining and really I fully expected us to have a baby by now. I will be 30 years old this coming year and if you would have told me 5 years ago I would still be childless I would have never believed you. I never wanted to be an “old” parent and the reality is I am not sure I even want to be a parent at this point.
If it wasn’t for Chris I would cut my losses and give up. But he wants a baby so bad. His mother always tells the story of him as a child wanting only to be a husband and father when he grew up. And man do kids love him, no matter where we go the kids flock to him. All of my nephews absolutely adore Uncle Chris and seeing him interact with other children breaks my heart a little more each time. He would be a wonderful dad.
He is also a wonderful husband; he puts on a strong face for me when the subject comes up. He is so loving when he tells me that, “if it happens it happens and if not I still have you.” But after being with someone for 8 years you learn to read what the other person isn’t saying fairly good and the eyes don’t lie. He can’t hide the pain, the want and the desire.
I live with the pressure of guilt every day. Partly because I haven’t been able to give him a kid. Partly because at this point in my life I am not sure I want one, I just started college and the timing would not be the best. And partly because I haven’t tried any other methods other than the natural way of trying to get pregnant. But frankly I am tired of doctors, the methods scare me, there is so much uncertainty and we don’t have the money to pay for some of the treatments. I feel like starting off being new parents $20,000 or more in debt is not a logical choice. So my motto is if the universe wills it, it will happen (which disappoints my husband but he also know it is my body and respects my choice).
All of that being said I am worn down. Tired of waiting for missed periods, tired of hearing my grandmother ask, “Are you sure you’re doing it right.” Tired of hearing my mother in law tell me we are her only chance at having a grandbaby, tried of my inner monologue beating myself up, tired of the physical pain and tired of trying to say positive. Most of all I am tired of pretending it is all okay when it is not.